The Moment of Awareness

In my early 40s, I happened upon a newspaper article about the Artist Rush Cole, including her self-portrait....

A  'Man in the MIrror' PTSD event for me.

It was at that time I realized my world had been turned - not just upside down, but inside out - at the moment of 'awareness' as a young teen.

To this day, I still recognize the moment my innate, core survival tool took a sharp blade and split my emotional Being into two, separating my damaged Inner Child from the determined Functioning Child so that I could 'keep on'. 

I kept on, but with no support systems in place at the time in my home state to help one recover, the damage done was only to perilously compound on a plethora of levels over the years. 

By a Decade+ Later . . .

By my late 50s, I had endured burying 2 of my own children 13 years apart, 6 abusive marriages and numerous C-PTSD challenges, yet, was blessed to have won the war against all substance abuse.

I floated from place to place, securing jobs and rooms in private residences, with no true home-base for 20 yrs. 

A long-time friend, who I perceived was well-versed on all that was 'bundled' in me, made me an offer for a safe new-state environment where I could finally heal and begin living in the universal Brilliance that is available to each of us.

I welcomed the offer wholeheartedly to begin anew. I sold the little I owned, in hopes of leaving all negatives from my past behind and moved forward to my new safety zone . . . only to be completely blitzed by another sexual betrayal.

One Day Later . . .

I was now 60 years old and had reached the state that I had never wanted to visit: Hopelessness.. I could see only 2 choices:

Begin the journey back to my home state, where I would live the remainder of my years in dysfunction or devise the least painful way to end my Life. 

I had reached a level of pain that matched only what I had experienced when I was informed that my 17 yr-old son had been hit by a drunk driver and died - a unique level of pain that only those who have suffered the loss of a child experience, welcoming only

to cease to feel altogether.

I decided to slow down and pull off the road to discern what next. Out of nowhere, a car pulled in front of me pressing its brakes, causing me to come to a complete stop and 

read the car's license plate: 

'GODSLUV' '2009'.